growing up too fast

dear twenty-year-old peyton,

I have wanted to be right where I am for longer than I can remember. Finding college friends that might walk me down the aisle. Finally losing my baby face I always despised. Planning a trip to travel the world with the girl I met going into my freshman year. Living with my perfect little roommate in the mansion we get to call home.

Yet, I never thought about the fact that my wish this year is to be a little girl again. To beg my mom and dad to make snow angels with me outside and eat ice cream soup for dinner. For my biggest problem in the world to be whether or not my crush would ask me to dance with him to Ed Sheeran at the middle school mixer. To track Santa on my mom’s computer and sprint home to a restless night hoping I heard reindeer on my roof.

To wake up to a stack of my dad’s pancakes this morning and coming home to my mom making my favorite dinner after school.

As I blew out the candles every year, what if my only wish was for time to slow down? They always say, you never know you are in the good times until you are out of them, right?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I ADORE my little life. But being “in my twenties?” That’s disgusting. Two decades? Is that some kind of sick joke? It’s like in Mamma Mia when Sophie tells Bills her age,

“I’M 20!” And what does Bill say? With a face of horror he goes, “AH!”

This is supposed to be the years when I “figure myself out.” When I somehow manage to meet, date, get engaged, and marry my husband. To graduate college and find a job that doesn’t make me want to chuck my alarm clock out my window. Maybe find a new city to call home. Get that dog I always wanted.

And the dreaded phenomenon of becoming an adult.

But, I’m not there yet. Hell, I turned 20 not even 24 hours ago, so I’m making the rules here.

Wishing I could always be somewhere, or someone, I am not has taught me many lessons in life. My favorite one though is that wishing never led to better things, it only added to all the good that was already abundantly in front of me. (Maybe that was inspired by Zach Bryan, don’t tell him though)

Life is full of beauty everywhere you look. The older I get, the more I have opened my eyes to see it and the more my gratitude has deepened for it.

I notice the simple beauty of watching the leaves turn orange and red. The joy of driving with the windows down to my perfectly curated playlist. That first sip of a really good coffee. Running into the comfort of a friend's arms after being apart. Traveling to new places and roaming like a chicken with its head cut off. Getting a sweet treat with your friends or cuddling up on the couch for a movie.

Watching my mom grow up by my side and turn me into half as good of a person as she is. Seeing my hair curl up, just like hers, and our smiles morph more and more into the same shape. Feeling her turn from my lifeline, to my best friend.

Getting to learn that I got all the best parts of my dad and putting them into practice together. His love for good music and a crazy adventure. Singing songs in microphones, both real and fake. Using cooking as a love language and never underestimating the power of a good story.

Becoming the girl I always hoped to be is bittersweet. Even on the days I want to be that little girl who still fits in her dad’s arms as he throws her over ocean waves again, I am so happy to be here. To be 20.

To make stupid decisions and date even stupider boys. To travel the world and laugh at myself until my cheeks ache. To watch moments turn into memories that will never fade.

Who says your twenties have to be so serious?

This is my formal vow for it to be the best years yet:

Here’s to never wishing to make the time go by ever again. Life is too short, and way too precious, to wish a second of it away.

Xoxo, P