the older I get, the less I know.

"Older and wiser" really doesn't feel like the case in your twenties. Honestly, the older I get, the more I realize I know absolutely nothing.

When I was little, everything was so black and white. The dark was scary. Broccoli was gross. If I was cold, I put on a coat. If my brother hits me, I would run and tell on him. Life felt simple: I wanted to go on play dates, eat ice cream for every meal, and grow up to be a hairstylist.

Then, as the years ticked away, the certainty of life and all of it's choices seemed to fade away. What was once strikingly black and white slowly turned to shades of grey.

As I turned 22 yesterday, I know less than ever before. I don't know who I want to be, where I want to live, what impact I'm supposed to have on this world or how to turn all the things I love into something that pays a mortgage. I don't know to perfectly be a good friend, partner, employee or roommate. In fact, I feel like I can be pretty shitty at all of the above at times.

But I do know this, I don't have to be perfect. Perfection is the lack of joy. Perfection kills joy.

Rather than being perfect at all of the things I want to be, I have to be wise enough appreciate the nuance in the failures. Laughing at myself when I trip and fall and having pride for the effort I put in. To look at the messy parts of life and stories I will one day tell, lessons I have learned, and hardships I overcame.

The closer I get to graduating college, the more of these "big life decisions" show up like pop-up ads I never asked for. Job applications haunt me as a never-closing tabs on my computer, apartment.com practically bullies me at this point, my bank account continuously shrinks like a magic trick. It's chaos, truly.

But on this December 4th, I'm choosing to look at all of this as part of my divine plan. Maybe all of these ups and downs are exactly what I need to figure out who I am. Maybe trying and failing is actually the key to success. And maybe the power to see rejection as divine protection is something I should really grasp onto.

If you're anything like me, birthdays are starting to feel less like confetti are more like a dark cloud that mocks me with open-ended questions I have yet to answer. This year meant losing more of my innocence and getting one step closer to needing my life to be figured out. Spoiler: the answers aren't coming. They never have, they never will. They won't happen in the next 365 days either.

But somehow, every year still ends up holding space for more than I ever dared to expect. When I turned 21, I wasn't brave enough to picture all the amazing, challenging, beautiful and scary things that were coming my way, but they did, and it was awesome.

A year ago, I would have laughed if you told me that I moved to NYC live ALONE, intern at a dream job, keep that job all semester well maintaining to be a full-time student. My brother got engaged (!), my photography business is thriving, I traveled to amazing places, started new hobbies and read life changing books. I found passions I didn't know I had and met people I want around forever.

So no, maybe I don't have a 5-year plan, a cute house with white picket fences, a job lined up, or a puppy to call my own. But I found pieces of myself I didn't knew existed. I grew into parts of myself I used to avoid. I chased things I wanted. I nourished love in my life and found new people to share it with. I celebrated all of it – the good, the terrible, and everything in the in-between.

Maybe it's true, the older I get, the wiser I am, but not in the way you think. Not with savings accounts or perfect plans, but with living. I'm getting pretty good at doing life.

If there's one thing to take away, it's this: laugh more. Learning isn't measured by success, plans, or a perfectly curated life. It's in trying something new, reading a good book, being bad at a new hobby, moving to a city alone, spending time with your thoughts. That's the real beauty of growing up.

Figuring yourself out isn't a choice, it's the story of life. It is the everyday habits, relationships and moments that shape us as we go. As another flashes by, I may not know exactly who I want to be, but I'm really excited to see how I get there.

Love you all,

P